How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
