Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
