You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
