So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I didn't notice because vodka
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
