Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
