You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
