Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
