My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
