her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
