Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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