Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I want a musical about memes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
