some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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