I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you win again, gameday.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
