I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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