my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do herpes really smell.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
