I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
