I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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