I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
