Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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