I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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