I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
