p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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