and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
