Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
