i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
