There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
