i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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