you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This is my gift to your gina
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize