I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
