Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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