I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
