i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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