the condom got lost in my hair
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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