Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
