That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
