hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
