Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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