My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
