Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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