Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
