I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
