Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
