It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
