I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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