Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
