I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
