why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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