Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
