My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
