people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
