Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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