So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So squirting runs in the family.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize