There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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