Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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