It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
