I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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