I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
