If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We need to get me chipped asap
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
