a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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