What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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