i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I cut my penus on the lid.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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