My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
