My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
